Phony Pints....

So there I go again, right? Standing a pint of the finest stout made in the whole wide world apparently. Only the pint is being pulled in deep south Texas, where memories fade into long-necks of pale piss-water that astoundingly passes for beer. It's a shambles, of course, but I like, no, I LOVE, my Guinness. There's nothing quite as beautiful in this world than the sensation that comes from holding a lovely topped-off pint of properly pulled Guinness. Oh... it IS a moment for me. One I've taken time to appreciate, even whilst being three fucking sheets, leaning shamelessly on a bar in a hotel in Killarney at 2am. It's sooo inspiring.



Right... So I'm at 'theme pub' and I'm not about to mention names, but you can imagine, innit? And I order the shit, cos... well... I LIKE it, even if they DON'T know how to pull a proper pint. No matter. I withstand the practice and don't say a word. Why? Because I'm a classy guy, alright? What the fuck can I DO? Tell him/her, 'Nah, mate, ya not pourin' that roite.' Ain't gonna happen... and why NOT?? Because they won't give a shit. Seriously, they won't. It's ALL beer to them. They don't give a fuck. So I have to take it and be vaguely merry.

I once mentioned, to some sad cow with the big blonde Texas hair that was tending bar one afternoon, that I had recently returned from Eire and would like a drop of the old water from the River Liffey to remind me of the pleasant hours I'd spent well pissed on the Emerald Isle. So, what does she say? Or ASK actually? She's there, 'What were YOU doing there?' Like I didn't belong. And sheepishly, I could only muster the 'Culture and Music' explanation... as if this moron would understand that shit ANYway. Then to add insult to injury, she had no clue as to how to pull a fucking pint! And again, me, being a class act (sometimes to my own detriment), I said fuck all and had to drink that horrid, sloppy bullshit.

The fucking nerve...

And I go through that everytime I step to 'theme pub'. I'm forced to swill shite pints (that aren't proper imperial pints ANYway) and smile. Sometimes I wonder why they can't find this video and learn from it... It's ONLY the two-part pour, ya bastards. The two-part pour!



Maybe I'll stick to lager next time, eh?

Ha! Like fuck.