She Truly Changed My Life.

I don't even remember how it happened.

How many times have those words been uttered in reference to what would become a life-altering experience? It's easy to see how the cliché could apply again, though the truth is that I truly don't remember how it went down. I had taken two weeks off in order to enjoy the 2002 edition of the FIFA World Cup live and direct from various cities in Japan and the Republic of Korea. It meant matches were on starting from 1am and ending around 6am. It was quite torturous to say the least. And then... I don't even remember how it happened.

I don't know if it was the video or the CD, but her art grabbed me in a way I had never been held onto before or since. It was Lauryn Hill's somewhat unfancied release, 'MTV Unplugged 2.0'. My life was changed with it, truly changed. altered beyond anything I'd imagined. It was the second track, 'Adam Lives in Theory' which woke me up to something, showed me something... There was an expression within that reached into me delicately, though with enough force to make me look at myself for the first time and face facts, face who I was.. As Lauryn said in the opening of the track, 'Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need.', as she announced her retirement from the fantasy part. So I was left to ponder.

Every song so full of art and expression. I was overwhelmed. Amidst the twirling streams of incense and slow drags on cannabis pleasantly stronger than I had initially assumed, I sat mesmerized and emotionally moved. Every song with melody that sent waves of sentiment through me... and I felt things slowly falling apart, crumbling even. This veneer was melting away in the middle of the night. One of aggression and stubbornness, of trying to appear as something I was not, at every juncture... it fell apart, exploded, blown to bits by the expression shared by a young sister armed solely with a guitar.



Who was I? I wasn't sure. Still ain't, if I'm being honest. I knew then, though, that I wasn't what I was acting as. My true self, whatever the hell that is, began to emerge. It wouldn't be until five years later that I would feel completely comfortable with it, but it did finally manifest itself during those darkened nights, lit only by the light of the small television on the floor and the orangeish light peeking in from the parking lot through the sliding doors.

'Freedom Time'. She said it was time to 'Get free, be who you're supposed to be'. I took it as a personal challenge and let nature takes it's course. Hair stopped being cut, only to grow curly, mad locked, and as a statement of some sort of growth. Tears came flowing freely and seeds were planted that would later bear fruit. Those tears were washing away every rusted and rotted bit of self-repression that I had held in me, they were cleansing me from within. They came in a torrent with various feelings that I had held inside; it was elation, sadness, bittersweet memories, and the daunting prospect of what was to come. And it was a solitary act of course. Nobody was able to spend those late nights watching football and/or sipping cans whilst having Lauryn do her thing, which was shaking false foundations I had set up for myself.

Loneliness was indeed a factor. I felt alone during that spell, even when surrounded by friends. Her words became company. Her voice was comforting. What she was speaking of went straight to my consciousness like nothing before. I was sincerely moved. She asked, 'Why don't you rebel?'. I had no answer. None. I felt empty, yet fulfilled. She said that 'a crew doesn't validate you.', and it hit me. Hard. I decided I could walk alone and be me. Be who I am, who I'm supposed to be. Free.

Then we found peace of mind in nine minutes of emotion.

A soaring love song about someone insecure and immature, sounding like someone I knew well. As I write this now, it remains as moving to me as when I first heard it. It still applies. I was never quite sure who she was singing of, whether it was a man she loved or... God.... as the lyrics seem to shift into something frankly incredible halfway through as she beseeches the listener to 'free your mind'. It crashed over me. It was truly a life-altering moment.

'What a joy it is to be alive. To get another chance. Everyday's another chance to get it right this time.'

My thoughts... I'm not that bad. I'm not like that. I don't need to behave in this manner. I can be who I am and if I have to walk alone, I will. I don't need validation. I don't need acceptance. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. That's who I am. Those who know me will know. Those that don't take the time, well, they won't, and I'm not ever going to be bothered. I have love to share, loads of it in fact. That's who I am. I have my very own thoughts, ideas, and views, and while I know most folks won't understand them or care, it's not going to stop me from being who I am. I am an individual. I am unique. That's who I am. I am holy and profane. I am logical and irrational. I am not a bad person as I look from the outside in. I am a gentle soul. That's all. That's all I've ever been. That is who I am.

And THAT was the very first chain I broke in my own personal endeavor to get free. It's an ongoing process for sure. It's never ending as far as I can see. However, I will ALWAYS acknowledge the profound influence that Lauryn Hill's words, music, and attitude had on me during quiet solitary summer nights drenched in canned lager and spent in deep, honest self-reflection.

She truly changed my life.